Recognizing exhaustion

I feel like saying hello to my old friend exhaustion.

"Hello"

Now that I've done that (she said hello back, by the way. Okay, so she didn't really say hello, it was more of a shrugging nod of acknowledgement but whatever), I think I'm just feeling a bit stressed. Finances, work situations, and school are all getting to me, so my mind desperately wants to escape all of the stressors, which it does by telling me I'm exhausted.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a part of depression.

Depression some times manifests itself with an intense need to sleep for extremely long periods of time. This can go on for weeks, months, years even before being diagnosed as depression.

Not to say that I'm not legitimately tired. I am. And one of the things I've really recognized about myself is that I have to allow myself a day or two of what I like to call "me days" where I allow myself to be wherever I am at mentally, to do nothing productive or whatever, to just do what I want when I want to without being hard on myself. Without any negative repercussions from myself. I allow myself the space to close the door to any negative self-talk I might engage in (i.e. There are dishes, sweeping, laundry, etc to do, and you should be doing that not just sitting there binge-watching Castle and eating chips and salsa: stuff like that).

So today's self-care looks like recognizing that I need a me day tomorrow. And I'm going to take it :)

#selfcarechronicle
#depressionawareness

Post show and self-care catch-up

Last week was very stressful. My DH and I spent a good chunk of the week building a new carrying cage and a new grooming table for the rabbits for the show. As well as work, school-work for me, website building for him, and him putting in job applications and doing interviews for prospective jobs. I decided where I am going to plant my garden, as the container garden I have going isn't working out too well. Our yard is a lovely environment for all sorts of bugs, and the caterpillars have been wrecking my beautiful basil plant. And I think Perish (I named our resident Opossum) has been eating my ripening tomatoes :( So when I do plant the garden, I'm going to have to fence it, and I may have found a use for all of the eggshells we go through.

The rabbits did pretty well at the show. It turned out I was the only one showing angoras that day, but that meant I got to talk to one of the judges about some specifics with my tiny herd, and I got to feel good about my pick of the litter as the judge thought he was the best as well, though he recommended  growing them out more as they are only 3 months old and still have some developing to do, and to see how their coats turn out. UniKitty is a definite improvement on his parents, and I will be keeping him. But Badger and Heero will likely need to find new homes. Duo I'll probably breed back to UniKitty and see if I can get better shoulders from them. Chang will become a sire to my meat mutts, as I picked up a Satin doe at the show for that purpose. We still have to decide on a name for her. Current options: Honey, Barley, or Silo. She's a beautiful, big booty doe who I hope will be an excellent mother.

So last weeks self-care looked like working with my hands, getting blisters, and playing in the dirt. It also looked like spending an hour on the phone philosophizing with my father about politics, depression, and self-talk. I got to discuss things that I learned while in therapy a year ago and Dad talked about Philippians 4 and the parallels. It was good.

Today's self-care looked like tidying up the kitchen from the trip this weekend.

More self-care and English Angoras

Today's self-care looked like planning a rabbit grooming table and planning for the show next weekend!

I have English Angora rabbits. They are big balls of fluff and a whole lot of maintenance. So today I pulled out my three junior bucks and gave them all a thorough brushing. The boys aren't fond of holding still so its always a test of my patience with them and them with me. We all did pretty good today. Especially since they had to endure the discomfort of getting tattooed today as well. Tattooing is a way to identify rabbits from one another and it is required at an ARBA sanctioned show, which this weekends show is. I'll get to meet up with other Angora breeders for the first time, and I'm really hoping to gain a lot of knowledge and wisdom from them and their experiences. I'm getting nervous about how my rabbits will do and I'm just hoping the judges will have some good comments about them. I don't expect to win anything with my current stock, as my senior doe Duo is 3 years old (past normal show career), and the boys are only 3 months old and have a lot of growing and maturing to do. Their coats are currently in transition, so they are kind of an ugly cute right now. But grooming takes about 5 minutes everyday, mostly to get them used to it :) All of them currently hate the blower, but they get that for about 5 minutes everyday as well. Thankfully they are starting to get used to that as well!

I think I'm going to go do some coloring now though. More self-care.
Feeling a bit more calm today.

#selfcare
#depression
#carechronicle

5Ks, Depression, and Self-care

So I did my first 5k today. I didn't run very much of it, but I was going more for keeping a steady pace for my mile splits than I was going for speed. With that I did pretty well. My goal was to finish in 46 minutes - did it in 45! Average of 15minutes per split, which was pretty excited for a tortoise like me :) My fastest ever mile time was 12:50 and I was in much better shape then than I am now.

My body is capable of amazing things.

I'm going to try something new. As someone who has depression, I too often neglect myself and my self-care. I need to start taking charge of my mental health, so I am going to start keeping track here of what I've done for myself today as a part of my self-care routines. What is self-care you ask? Well, here's an idea: 

http://anniewrightpsychotherapy.com/2016/03/101-suggestions-for-taking-care-of-yourself-when-it-all-feels-like-too-much/

and:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201302/17-expert-tips-taking-better-care-yourself

And for anyone wanting more information about depression:

http://blurtitout.org/resource/what-is-depression-2/

So today's self-care looked like writing in my blog about depression and self-care. 

#selfcare 

#depression

#carechronicle

Random Poetry

Not only has 2013 been a bit of a revival of life dreams and goals for me:

going back to school,

a constant evolution of figuring out my life,

being a happier, healthier, more fit me,

trying to be a more openly caring individual,

And writing. I’ve been writing more. Particularly over the last month. Plus I discovered a stash of old poetry, character histories and prophecies surrounding the novel I’m working on! *Jumps for joy* I’ve been working on typing everything out onto my PC and have gotten through quite a chunk of them.

So I thought I’d share a couple of poems with the world. Some are from a number of years ago, others from this last month. Enjoy!

3-22-02

Where the Wild Things Grow

Where the wild things grow

Nothing matters of the outside

Everything has meaning

And no one has anything to hide

We are free from persecution

And the things from which we flee

Nothing here can harm you

Not even a tiny honey bee

Everything is calm here

And this you’ll come to know

The flowers smell so sweet here

Where the wild things grow

Tears are not to be ashamed of

For they are of our old pains

The few that happen to care

Are left standing there are stained

But we who keep on going

Even after being jaded

Are stronger and more observant

Now wary before being weighted

The jaded keep on going

And this you’ll come to know

Your tears taste so sweet here

Where the wild things grow

3/25/13

Naked Soul

The masks we constantly wear

Serve as a barrier between us

We are separate and incomplete

Vapor wisps and weak

Alone in a vast and crowded tundra

Of writhing chaotic masses

We walk this way

From our first jaded experience

Hiding behind jester paint

Miserable and hollowed out.

Void, empty, drained.

Until a moment comes along

Where we see a naked soul

Bare and standing out

Beautiful in its making

And a realization occurs

Scarred, bent, mangled.

But a glorious and striking truth

Stained glass shatters

And paused fragments

Making that one second

Into a precious eternity

Then falling back together

We are beautiful with our scars

And our twisted metal souls

Not one of us is flawless

No one escapes life’s scathing pain

And it is only ourselves who tell us

That most wretched lie ever:

            That we are ugly.

When the inescapable truth is

            That we are glorious, precious gems.

3/16/13

Stolen voice

You stole my voice from me;

From my breath,

From my soul.

It was my catharsis,

It made me whole;

Whittling my words down

To nothing.

Snatching away that which completed me,

And fulfilled me.

It was my life;

My future,

My dream.

But you stole my voice from me.

And for what?

You didn’t understand;

You thought it a silly thing.

But you couldn’t comprehend

That it is everything;

My voice,

My words.

These are my thoughts most profound,

This is how my soul gives sound;

A music,

A melody,

A song.

And you stole my voice from me.

But I found my words again.

You cannot keep them from me.

A healing voice,

Words expressed;

And I found what you had tried to possess,

And shatter;

To destroy utterly,

Irrevocably.

No one can steal my voice from me.

It will never happen again.

These are MY words.

This is MY voice.

There is no place it can be taken

That I cannot find.

I’ll not allow it!

Never again

Will anyone steal my voice from me.

A day in the life of

It's been awhile - oh well. Like that's anything new.
Update: going to be going to school this fall - but not pre-vet. I'm finally going to get an English degree. . .
Yep - a degree. In English! *Insert Happy Dance*

And just for fun . . . a friend of mine had requested a breakdown of "this beautiful routine"of mine.
So here it is.
A day in the life of.

The Morning Routine:
Wake up - hit snooze.
Hit snooze again.
And again.
And again.
And maybe one more time.
Think to myself -Oh Crap!- and then get up.
Take a hit of coffee
Shower (if I didn't feel like taking one before bed as I have no real preference for when exactly I shower during the day)
Let the dogs out
Drink more coffee
Feed the dogs
Drink more coffee
Feed myself
Drink more coffee
Gather lunch and/or snacks for while at work and on the road and pack into ice chest.
Crate the dogs
Gather stuff and head out the door, telling all of the creatures in my house that I will be back later and to be good while I'm gone
Pack stuff into car
Drive an hour to work
- and drink coffee!

The Work Routine:
Arrive - grudgingly
Work - diligently
Leave - gladly!
(Okay, it doesn't often happen that way.)
Arrive
Take care of patients - feed, clean, medicate, walk, etc
Set up Surgery Theater
Clinic opens - intake patients
Deal with irritating owners
Deal with wonderful owners
Deal with nonchalant owners
-And everyone in between
Handle sweet kitties and angry kitties
Handle well-behaved dogs and not so-well behaved dogs
And now it is only 9am!
Start surgeries
Surgeries ongoing . . .
If I am horribly unlucky someone will have scheduled a dentistry and the main dental technician won't be there. And while there is immense satisfaction in doing dentals, it aggravates my shoulder/neck - so it's a little painful.
Finish surgeries (hopefully) and go to lunch (again, hopefully).
Come back from lunch
Take care of anything that didn't get finished by the lunch technician during lunch
Deal with irritating owners
Deal with wonderful owners
Deal with nonchalant owners
-And everyone in between!
Handle sweet kitties and angry kitties
Handle well-behaved dogs and not so well-behaved dogs
And some days, at sometime, handle grieving owners and see pets off to the rainbow bridge.
And some days, at sometime, handle the joys of greeting new pet faces into this world.
Take care of patients - feed, clean, medicate, walk, etc.
Clinic closes
Hour drive home

The Night Routine:
Reverse The Morning Routine
Leave out the coffee and the snooze button
Add in feed cats and feed rabbits and feed fish
And dishes
And possibly laundry
Or vacuuming . . .
Dusting
Or just watching a movie/catching up on my TV shows
BED!

And there you have it :)

Head Colds and Cats on the Countertops

There is nothing more annoying in the universe than when you have a head cold and are lying somewhat comfortably on the couch and you hear a crash from the kitchen because the cats are on the countertops. Scavenging your leftovers.

The little brats.

Then of course, the dog jumps up to go investigate and you have to try to holler at him to stop with your incredibly sore throat because who knows what the two brat children knocked over and it could be glass (though you didn’t hear anything shatter – not that that means anything because your head is so stuffed up that hearing anything other than your own thoughts is slightly difficult. And your thoughts aren’t that coherent anyways).

So you stumble to your feet with a headache as soon as you’re vertical, trying to stop the dog from going to the kitchen while attempting to yell at the cats and not fall flat on your face.

So you get to the kitchen after convincing the dog to back off to find that the fuzz-butts have simply found something with some sort of meaty-like residue on it and have displaced it’s somewhat former precarious position stacked haphazardly on the crowded counter.

Now comes the hard part: to pick it up or to not pick it up. Because bending over is even worse than trying to stand up from the couch.

But since you’re in the kitchen anyways – you might as well grab a cup of herbal tea. And some Tylenol. And allergy medication. And every other homeopathic remedy known to man. And add some water to the pot you have boiling on the stove.

And leave the stupid dish on the floor – the cats will clean it up. And if they don’t – the dog will get to it later!

P.S. I did pick up the dish a couple hours later, after the Tylenol kicked in.