It really is like a monster.
Creeps out of secret places in your head.
I've been having a difficult time with it lately. And I'm having issues getting it under control. I know that stress is the main culprit, driving it into the forefront. But I also haven't been taking very good care of myself lately. I'm so worried about finances that I'm stressing about every penny. I know that I shouldn't be so worried all the time. It keeps me from sleeping well, it keeps me from enjoying life. When I'm not stressing about money, I'm feeling like a failure because the house is a mess. I yell at the dog, the cats, and cry to my husband most days. I miss having time to read, to color, to paint, to do yoga, to just relax. But I feel like I'm being pulled in a hundred different directions because I can't seem to focus on one thing. If I accomplish something, I feel like it doesn't matter because I still have 5,000 things left to do.
I hate feeling like this. I just want to relax.
But the monster isn't letting me.
When I think I've got him down, he creeps back in again.
#welcometodepression
#depressionchronicles
Thursday, May 26, 2016
Monday, May 23, 2016
My amazing husband
So I didn't take the day off on that Friday. I pushed myself passed my limit and crashed for about a week. I'm still recovering. It's hard for my husband to watch me cry for any reason, and it's so frustrating for both of us when I cry for no/every reason.
He was very gentle with me.
He always is.
I'm trying to let go more and be more forgiving of myself.
Of him, I forgive everything.
Seriously, I don't even remember some of what others might consider big things.
He asked for my forgiveness about something once, and I just told him it was already forgotten and smiled.
He cried then.
Anyways, DH came to my rescue today with our washer/dryer unit and laundry cubby. It's a stackable and its been tilted since it was installed (came with the rent house, but we were already moved in when it came). The dryer door is positioned in such a way that while I'm bending over removing clothes from the washer the door starts swinging shut. I've hit my head on it too many times to count. So today he fixed it. Not totally fixed as it still isn't level. But the door no longer swings shut! I should no longer be hitting my head on that door every other week! He also hung a shelf in there so I can put some miscellaneous laundry stuff on that instead of on top of the dryer where I can barely reach it!
I have an amazing husband :)
He was very gentle with me.
He always is.
I'm trying to let go more and be more forgiving of myself.
Of him, I forgive everything.
Seriously, I don't even remember some of what others might consider big things.
He asked for my forgiveness about something once, and I just told him it was already forgotten and smiled.
He cried then.
Anyways, DH came to my rescue today with our washer/dryer unit and laundry cubby. It's a stackable and its been tilted since it was installed (came with the rent house, but we were already moved in when it came). The dryer door is positioned in such a way that while I'm bending over removing clothes from the washer the door starts swinging shut. I've hit my head on it too many times to count. So today he fixed it. Not totally fixed as it still isn't level. But the door no longer swings shut! I should no longer be hitting my head on that door every other week! He also hung a shelf in there so I can put some miscellaneous laundry stuff on that instead of on top of the dryer where I can barely reach it!
I have an amazing husband :)
Thursday, May 12, 2016
Recognizing exhaustion
I feel like saying hello to my old friend exhaustion.
"Hello"
Now that I've done that (she said hello back, by the way. Okay, so she didn't really say hello, it was more of a shrugging nod of acknowledgement but whatever), I think I'm just feeling a bit stressed. Finances, work situations, and school are all getting to me, so my mind desperately wants to escape all of the stressors, which it does by telling me I'm exhausted.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a part of depression.
Depression some times manifests itself with an intense need to sleep for extremely long periods of time. This can go on for weeks, months, years even before being diagnosed as depression.
Not to say that I'm not legitimately tired. I am. And one of the things I've really recognized about myself is that I have to allow myself a day or two of what I like to call "me days" where I allow myself to be wherever I am at mentally, to do nothing productive or whatever, to just do what I want when I want to without being hard on myself. Without any negative repercussions from myself. I allow myself the space to close the door to any negative self-talk I might engage in (i.e. There are dishes, sweeping, laundry, etc to do, and you should be doing that not just sitting there binge-watching Castle and eating chips and salsa: stuff like that).
So today's self-care looks like recognizing that I need a me day tomorrow. And I'm going to take it :)
#selfcarechronicle
#depressionawareness
"Hello"
Now that I've done that (she said hello back, by the way. Okay, so she didn't really say hello, it was more of a shrugging nod of acknowledgement but whatever), I think I'm just feeling a bit stressed. Finances, work situations, and school are all getting to me, so my mind desperately wants to escape all of the stressors, which it does by telling me I'm exhausted.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a part of depression.
Depression some times manifests itself with an intense need to sleep for extremely long periods of time. This can go on for weeks, months, years even before being diagnosed as depression.
Not to say that I'm not legitimately tired. I am. And one of the things I've really recognized about myself is that I have to allow myself a day or two of what I like to call "me days" where I allow myself to be wherever I am at mentally, to do nothing productive or whatever, to just do what I want when I want to without being hard on myself. Without any negative repercussions from myself. I allow myself the space to close the door to any negative self-talk I might engage in (i.e. There are dishes, sweeping, laundry, etc to do, and you should be doing that not just sitting there binge-watching Castle and eating chips and salsa: stuff like that).
So today's self-care looks like recognizing that I need a me day tomorrow. And I'm going to take it :)
#selfcarechronicle
#depressionawareness
Monday, May 9, 2016
Post show and self-care catch-up
Last week was very stressful. My DH and I spent a good chunk of the week building a new carrying cage and a new grooming table for the rabbits for the show. As well as work, school-work for me, website building for him, and him putting in job applications and doing interviews for prospective jobs. I decided where I am going to plant my garden, as the container garden I have going isn't working out too well. Our yard is a lovely environment for all sorts of bugs, and the caterpillars have been wrecking my beautiful basil plant. And I think Perish (I named our resident Opossum) has been eating my ripening tomatoes :( So when I do plant the garden, I'm going to have to fence it, and I may have found a use for all of the eggshells we go through.
The rabbits did pretty well at the show. It turned out I was the only one showing angoras that day, but that meant I got to talk to one of the judges about some specifics with my tiny herd, and I got to feel good about my pick of the litter as the judge thought he was the best as well, though he recommended growing them out more as they are only 3 months old and still have some developing to do, and to see how their coats turn out. UniKitty is a definite improvement on his parents, and I will be keeping him. But Badger and Heero will likely need to find new homes. Duo I'll probably breed back to UniKitty and see if I can get better shoulders from them. Chang will become a sire to my meat mutts, as I picked up a Satin doe at the show for that purpose. We still have to decide on a name for her. Current options: Honey, Barley, or Silo. She's a beautiful, big booty doe who I hope will be an excellent mother.
So last weeks self-care looked like working with my hands, getting blisters, and playing in the dirt. It also looked like spending an hour on the phone philosophizing with my father about politics, depression, and self-talk. I got to discuss things that I learned while in therapy a year ago and Dad talked about Philippians 4 and the parallels. It was good.
Today's self-care looked like tidying up the kitchen from the trip this weekend.
The rabbits did pretty well at the show. It turned out I was the only one showing angoras that day, but that meant I got to talk to one of the judges about some specifics with my tiny herd, and I got to feel good about my pick of the litter as the judge thought he was the best as well, though he recommended growing them out more as they are only 3 months old and still have some developing to do, and to see how their coats turn out. UniKitty is a definite improvement on his parents, and I will be keeping him. But Badger and Heero will likely need to find new homes. Duo I'll probably breed back to UniKitty and see if I can get better shoulders from them. Chang will become a sire to my meat mutts, as I picked up a Satin doe at the show for that purpose. We still have to decide on a name for her. Current options: Honey, Barley, or Silo. She's a beautiful, big booty doe who I hope will be an excellent mother.
So last weeks self-care looked like working with my hands, getting blisters, and playing in the dirt. It also looked like spending an hour on the phone philosophizing with my father about politics, depression, and self-talk. I got to discuss things that I learned while in therapy a year ago and Dad talked about Philippians 4 and the parallels. It was good.
Today's self-care looked like tidying up the kitchen from the trip this weekend.
Sunday, May 1, 2016
More self-care and English Angoras
Today's self-care looked like planning a rabbit grooming table and planning for the show next weekend!
I have English Angora rabbits. They are big balls of fluff and a whole lot of maintenance. So today I pulled out my three junior bucks and gave them all a thorough brushing. The boys aren't fond of holding still so its always a test of my patience with them and them with me. We all did pretty good today. Especially since they had to endure the discomfort of getting tattooed today as well. Tattooing is a way to identify rabbits from one another and it is required at an ARBA sanctioned show, which this weekends show is. I'll get to meet up with other Angora breeders for the first time, and I'm really hoping to gain a lot of knowledge and wisdom from them and their experiences. I'm getting nervous about how my rabbits will do and I'm just hoping the judges will have some good comments about them. I don't expect to win anything with my current stock, as my senior doe Duo is 3 years old (past normal show career), and the boys are only 3 months old and have a lot of growing and maturing to do. Their coats are currently in transition, so they are kind of an ugly cute right now. But grooming takes about 5 minutes everyday, mostly to get them used to it :) All of them currently hate the blower, but they get that for about 5 minutes everyday as well. Thankfully they are starting to get used to that as well!
I think I'm going to go do some coloring now though. More self-care.
Feeling a bit more calm today.
#selfcare
#depression
#carechronicle
I have English Angora rabbits. They are big balls of fluff and a whole lot of maintenance. So today I pulled out my three junior bucks and gave them all a thorough brushing. The boys aren't fond of holding still so its always a test of my patience with them and them with me. We all did pretty good today. Especially since they had to endure the discomfort of getting tattooed today as well. Tattooing is a way to identify rabbits from one another and it is required at an ARBA sanctioned show, which this weekends show is. I'll get to meet up with other Angora breeders for the first time, and I'm really hoping to gain a lot of knowledge and wisdom from them and their experiences. I'm getting nervous about how my rabbits will do and I'm just hoping the judges will have some good comments about them. I don't expect to win anything with my current stock, as my senior doe Duo is 3 years old (past normal show career), and the boys are only 3 months old and have a lot of growing and maturing to do. Their coats are currently in transition, so they are kind of an ugly cute right now. But grooming takes about 5 minutes everyday, mostly to get them used to it :) All of them currently hate the blower, but they get that for about 5 minutes everyday as well. Thankfully they are starting to get used to that as well!
I think I'm going to go do some coloring now though. More self-care.
Feeling a bit more calm today.
#selfcare
#depression
#carechronicle
Saturday, April 30, 2016
5Ks, Depression, and Self-care
So I did my first 5k today. I didn't run very much of it, but I was going more for keeping a steady pace for my mile splits than I was going for speed. With that I did pretty well. My goal was to finish in 46 minutes - did it in 45! Average of 15minutes per split, which was pretty excited for a tortoise like me :) My fastest ever mile time was 12:50 and I was in much better shape then than I am now.
My body is capable of amazing things.
I'm going to try something new. As someone who has depression, I too often neglect myself and my self-care. I need to start taking charge of my mental health, so I am going to start keeping track here of what I've done for myself today as a part of my self-care routines. What is self-care you ask? Well, here's an idea:
and:
And for anyone wanting more information about depression:
So today's self-care looked like writing in my blog about depression and self-care.
#selfcare
#depression
#carechronicle
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